I, like many of the manosphere, am a recovering beta. In my time, learning the dark arts and feeling the red pill’s burn, I, like many addicts, have had relapses and backsliding; we all do. They are old, familiar, nay, ingrained patterns of beta-ness, and we are merely struggling mightily to overcome them; sometimes, we fall short. If you’ve ever known an alcoholic, a fat chick working to thinness, or someone with a “manageable” addiction, this will all be familiar to you.
Now, as part of this relapse, I backslid into becoming a “friend” of an attractive girl. My rationalization — a classic addict’s tact — for just staying friends with this girl were numerous:
- I had just come out of a relationship that went very badly (depression)
- we worked together (same field, same company)
- she had a serious boyfriend who was a semi-buddy of mine
- she was flirty/tarty, and I wouldn’t have been able to handle her behavior
- age difference (she was younger)
- I didn’t currently have a female friend around, and someone (another girl) told me I “needed” one
Most of these would be fine reasons to cut off any relationship with a girl other than keeping her as a mere acquaintance. Heck, I would advise anyone that simply working with a girl at your serious job is a valid reason not to hit it and to avoid anything more than a professional demeanor around her.
But that’s not what I did. Instead of refusing to have any relationship with the girl other than co-worker/acquaintance, I decided I would make her my friend. Why? Based on the facts that I was in need of female validation due to depression from my breakup and that I listened to the idiot advice of another girl.
Now I’ve had female friends before, and there are still a few who are “friends” with me, though I haven’t seen them in years and they live far away. But they fell into one of two categories:
- Too fat/ugly to fuck
- Girl’s I’d fucked already
The former category needs no explanation. As to the latter, once the sexual tension was gone, I’d lost a lot of attraction to those girls; yet, in speaking with them, they weren’t complete morons. Generally, these were the libertarian-type girls –one of them actually told me that she’d resolved to sleep with me when I started quoting Milton Friedman. (These girls were down to be fuck-buddies after the fact, natch).
Anyway, I digress. This girl at work — I’ll call her Anna — was definitely attractive. Not overtly so; more of an office 7. Her personality was bubbly and feminine, and she dressed well for her fit, thin, youthful body. She fed my need for female attention while keeping me at arms length. Finally, as a capper, she was from an ethnicity that I’d long desired to bang.
So, with my mind in full denial, I decided I could just be friends with this cutie. Bad move.
One evening, she carelessly broke plans with me — plans I’d been looking forward to all week– because she “didn’t feel like going out.” I got tremendously upset at this and got wildly drunk that evening–and, in my drinking, realized that my emotional response was way over the top to a “friend” situation; I had a full blown crush on this girl while she was getting all the ego benefits of a puppy dog’s love without ever having to pet it.
Fuck, I realized. I was a beta orbiter again.
So I needed to get out of her orbit. The wrinkle was, however, that I couldn’t just cold turkey break it off with her; this is because I dealt with her at work every day, and we had mutual work-acquaintances that were important to my job. Any meanness or coldness could redound against me professionally; unlike, say, Roosh or Captain Capitalism, whose enviable careers allow them the freedom to cut off such emotional vampires, I did not have that luxury. Plus, I felt the guilt of one who invited this problem in — I sought out the friendship with her; thus, I couldn’t be as ruthless as if she had tried to do it to me. I knew better than to let her in.
So below is the plan that I followed to excise this emotional vampire out of my life. I successfully stopped being her beta orbiter without her knowing it–and thus incurring no job-related consequences. Note that we still work together at the office in a friendly, professional way, and never speak of our closer times –but I am not suffering oneitis.
1. Go Sleep With Someone Else
Sounds trite, but it’s true: one of the main reasons I’d fallen back into beta orbiting was because I’d gotten out of good gaming in my relationship. When the relationship went south, I was both heartbroken and completely out of practice. I actually had one sub-5 at a bar–whom I’d weepingly just spilled out the story of my breakup–tell me that I would be great to sleep with once I was over it–then she promptly left the bar and refused to give me her number. Another girl whom I’d engaged in mild text flirting with told me out of nowhere that she’d never sleep with me. Let me tell you, I was in a bad state, and these rejections were making it worse.
When I realized my terrible backsliding, I resolved first and foremost to get some damn strange. I didn’t have the money for whores at that point, but if I’d had I would have blown my back account on orgies with the good ones. I became Roosh-like in my quest to get laid: robotic, unfeeling, and hyperlogical in my quest to get laid. I cut my hair, hit the gym, and bought a fashion magazine to learn the latest styles to shoot for. I remembered my old, good openers and hit the bars with a a vengeance.
The smell of beta and failure was strong upon me, however, so it wasn’t an instant success. But when I finally got that 6 into her bed and was dick-deep in her –let me tell you, that attachment, that “one-itis” I felt to Anna became more and more tenuous with each stroke. The next morning, I still had the attraction to Anna– but it was now more properly calibrated. A couple of more midnight successes reduced Anna’s hold even more.
NOTE: I did NOT tell Anna about my travails at hunting (see below). Very important to note this: if you want to break from her orbit, the girl does NOT get that information.
2. Stop Texting Her
One of the ways I’d been sucked into orbit is by texting this girl nonstop, especially when lonely. It was always ME texting her first. And they were very whiny/beta texts –“I’m so lonely,” “why did this happen,” etc. Tiger Woods’s wussiness had nothing on me. And it was about 3 of my texts to 1 of hers in response.
If necessary, get a phone app that blocks you from texting her at night (aka drunk apps). However, don’t block her number from your phone; if she sent a text that got blocked, she might get upset –and remember, we’re trying to minimize work consequences.
When I would get the urge to text her, I resorted to TEXTING MYSELF. That’s right, at a bar, knee-deep in self-pity, vomit, and Jack Daniels, I would be texting messages to my own phone. It prevented me from breaking silence and allowed me to see the betaness as a received text. Strange as it may sound, this was actually helpful psychologically–I felt better after each me text.
NOTE: I actually gave my phone number in my phone a different name (actually, it was “Anna”) so that anyone looking over my shoulder didn’t think I was too nutty.
3. Wait a Day to Respond to Her Texts
Anna wasn’t (and isn’t) a heartless girl; I’d merely given her the goose without demanding payment for the bird. So, when I’d stopped texting her, she tried texting me to see “what was up” and “if I was ok.”
Now, like any beta orbiter, I still urged to jump on these texts as proof of her love for me, and respond instantly. But that’s a bad move if you want out of her orbit. However, I couldn’t just not respond because I was tied to her due to work–that kind of coldness is reserved for attention whores who have no connection to your life.
So instead, I would wait a full day to respond to anything she said–24 hours at the minimum. This was the same response time she’d given me before, natch. If she asked why, I would always say I’d been busy and gotten a lot of texts. Any response would be 2-3 texts maximum and then I’d clam up.
Furthermore, I didn’t explain why I was so busy. The girl-beta orbiter relationship is partly based on her knowing everything about the beta’s life, and his need to give it to her. That’s part of the gravitational pull. By minimizing this, it minimized her power over my life—how could she control what she didn’t know—and my attachment to her—why feel attached to someone who has no knowledge of your life?
4. Set your Facebook/Twitter/Social Media Profiles So That You Can’t See her Updates
Part of the pain of this girl in my life was seeing her constant updates of her time with her boyfriend, her drunken escapades, and the hot pictures she posted online.It tortured me to see those images and words of happiness that she wasn’t having or doing for me. So I set my news feed preferences on Facebook to exclude her updates. BINGO; suddenly, her flirty photos and sweet protestations of love to her bf no longer twinged my heart.
Now, DO NOT (1) stop being friends with her on social media or (2) block her from seeing your updates. She will find out about this and get hurt—and, remember, this would spillover into work problems. Fee free to do this to girls not connected to work, but if you’re tied to your career, you have to treat her with kid gloves.
5. Change your Masturbation Schedule Regarding Her
Some guys, if they get one-itis, refuse to masturbate about one-itis girl. They’ll jackoff to any hot piece of ass they see, but not her. Pedestal, much?
Other guys furiously masturbate ABOUT one-itis girl to the near-exclusion of every other girl. Some feel guilty, like they’re cheating on her, if they jerk off about another girl. And others, even in masturbating about her, will keep it as wholesome as possible: rosepetals, mutual orgasms, etc.
Whatever your preference is, do the opposite.
If you never masturbated ab0ut her before, do so now, as many times as possible, and in the filthiest ways possible. Imagine her licking cum off the street corner, getting gangbanged, sleeping with animals, having orgies, being choked and slapped, etc.–anything that gets you off and makes you see her as just another piece of meat to use, abuse, and toss away when it annoys you. Trust me, her bf is actually doing some of those things to her, and she is enjoying them.
If you almost always masturbate about her, STOP. Masturbate about any other girl, but NOT her. You need to break your obsession. If you slip back into jerking off about her, at least make it dirty–so dirty she’s knocked off that pedestal. And, if you masturbate about her but normally somehow keep it filthy, do the opposite: imagine her refusing to do those things you love.
I was a guy who refused to masturbate about a girl I wanted until after I banged her. With Anna, I started imagining banging her bent over a subway turnstile late at night while her makeup was runny and she was dressed like a whore. Then I moved on to other fantasies–I think I jerked off 6 times one day to her being forced to eat an entire meal with my cum mixed into it after she jerked me onto it. After that, I started looking at her as just one girl of may–and a girl with a lot of flaws.
In any event, change how you think of her sexually. Furiously.
6. Have a Script For Her at Work Events
Since this is about a work-relationship, you need to have a script to deal with her. Just like Roosh and others advocate having some good opening lines and stories and threads to have with girls you are hitting on, you need good lines and stories and threads to deal with her inevitable probing and curiosity–without making her feel too shut out.
You should strive to keep casual conversations with your Anna under five minutes, with her doing most of the yapping. Keep it to the superficial, and about her if possible: her outfit, the weather, the new co-worker, sports, etc. If she starts moving to personal stuff–or tries a sexual innuendo–smile, and do one of two things: (1) say its not appropriate at work, but you can talk later (and you never follow up); or (2) smile warmly, but then be called off to do some project out of her eyesight.
It’s like reverse game: make the conversations as boring and unsexual as possible.
Anna tried many times at the office to get us back to talking more closely–which were hard to parry, until I realized the girl had an obsession talking about cruises. The girl LOVED to go on cruises, so I would talk about the latest packages to Alaska, Hawaii, Caribbean, etc. The technical aspects of the trips and the price kept her yapping. Once in a while she tried to drop a sexual note to entice me– “and I could wear a bikini, maybe even a thong!”—to which I would smile and continue saying stuff like “it’ll probably be too cold for that” or otherwise be a Buzz Killington.
7. If She Invites You to an Event, Be Busy or Cancel at the Last Minute
At this point, Anna was at least subconsciously knowing that she’d lost her safe, comfortable grip on me. So she made a few Hail Marys–she started inviting me out to hangout events at bars, clubs, museums, etc.
Now, bear in mind, the entire time before, I’d scheduled things or offered events for us to do together–to my knowledge, she’d never done it once. That’s classic beta-orbiter behavior: she just sat back and waited for me to do the legwork. But when I pulled away, she tried to rope me back in by planning those fake dates with me.
Now, for these dates, I was always busy. If I couldn’t find a legitimate excuse, I would straight up cancel the afternoon of–or, if it was a group-type invent, pull a no-show. I pulled a no-show on her b-day party and sent a simple text saying I was caught in traffic. A short text saying “sorry, can’t make it” or “ugh, got caught up in some drama, can’t come” or “babe, too tired to come, have fun without me” will suffice for most of her planned events.
Many may note that my actions possibly increased Anna’s attraction towards me—the failure to answer her right away, the last minute rejections, etc. Indeed, outside of my deliberate refusal to have deep or sexual conversations with her at work, this entire plan could be a form of hard-game. But you don’t want your Anna in your life for two reasons: (1) the risk of falling back into beta orbiter behavior is high, given your past actions around her and (2) you see her at work every day. Unless she wants to be fuck buddies–and she needs to say that explicitly to you—she is out of your personal life.
Anna and I still work in the same office; in fact, she’s right down the hall from me. We interact and chat pleasantly throughout the day, but there is no personal spark, as I now just see her for what she is: a moderately cute office drone with a lot of miles on her. She’s long been single after that bf–the rumor went around that he caught her cheating on him (no surprise there). As for me, I’ve worked on my game and am quite proud of my mini-soft harem when I’m going good, and not so downtrodden when I hit a dry spell.
As the Captain says, stay frosty, boys.